I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
