Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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