Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
