I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
