Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
