Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
