Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
