I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
