haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize