the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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