apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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