nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
