He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
