fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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