Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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