today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Randomize
