party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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