I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
