My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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