just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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