Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
