Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
