upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
this is an emotional support booty call
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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