All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
