I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
