theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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