i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
