Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
