Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
