So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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