i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she peed on how many people?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
