I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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