My liver just broke up with me...
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize