I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
this hospital has no fireball
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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