just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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