She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
