it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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