whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
