God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
