I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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