If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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