Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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