So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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