he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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