My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize