Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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