I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
