dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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