dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think I won the penis lottery.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
