Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
