Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
