when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
