We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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