he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
